Saturday, December 21, 2013

true north~ the truth

Deuteronomy 2:2-3
Then at last the Lord said to me, "You have circled this mountain long enough, turn north."

I am in the midst of a storm. I am coming to the other side, I can see the clouds parting on the horizon. Since October things have just been falling apart, literally. I look at things and the edges are in tatters. I lost my grandfather, Libby Claire's IEP meeting mishap, Relevant Church moving from the Pleasant Hill campus, massive migraines, nausea, a terrible cold that ended in a kicking sinus infection and ear infection, Finn is being referred to a cardiologist, meeting with advocates, night after night of studying on schools and laws for children with special needs, persistent tension headaches, multiple evaluations and meetings, i could go on and on, my health was taking a beating. I was feeling as though I was gazing upon an insurmountable mountain and there was clearly no way to climb it all. For the first time in my life I was feeling hopeless & helpless. I would crawl into bed at 7:30, to be sleepless and wake in a cold sweat. 
 I have climbed uphill, scaled the highest mountains. How could this be sending me into a tailspin? 
I was tired, and giving up the thought I could even do this.
Something was very wrong. This was not me, I missed me. I wanted me back. 
That is when it happened. I was in a pile of paperwork, research, laws, evaluation results, emails, church plans, kids schedules, my calendar all sprawled out on our dining room table. The Lord met me. I am broken, lost, sad and alone. He met me. I felt this unexplainable presence and knew this was the moment to pull myself away from looking at the mountain. I was fixating on it height, caps, crevasses, all in fear. He was telling me to look north. Look True North. 
I had circled this mountain long enough. 
I called my doctor, bless her, & went right in. There in a puddle we gathered a plan. First to rule out anything medical we did bloodwork. Then I was referred to a therapist to work through a lot of things. The thought was that everything from 2009 had been creeping up and collided with all I had going on the last few months. PTSD was in full effect and my anxiety was raging. 
I got a call the very next morning from my doctor that the blood work had not come back normal. I sat down. I was being referred to an endocrinologist. 
Very simply, I have a non existent thyroid. Thyroid disfunction, disease, wears a mask just like depression. Answers. I was prescribed a pill to take daily and in 6-8 weeks I should see that I am feeling much better. 
I went to the therapist the following day. Again a puddle. I am so glad I was not going to be committed. The doctor felt I had a medical problem not a mental problem. And not a depression problem. 
Together we made a plan to tackle some of the major pressing things I have going on in life right now. For those of you that know me know how happy a list makes me. So this was a good thing. 
I have checked a few of those things off on my list and have been on my daily medication since Tuesday. I already feel better. 
I want to go back to the moment I was told to Turn North. Since October I had controlled everything. I put my sadness, my demands, my situations, my hills, my mountains and made them all mine. I knew I had to fix them. That was the problem. I couldn't. I never could. We can't fix them. The mountains will only grow bigger and bigger. We will continue to go round and round. Expecting to fix it, climb it, master it.
It was only until I realized to "Turn North" that the weight of my mountain began to lessen. I love the very first part of verse two, " AND THEN THE LORD SAID TO ME!" He is speaking to us. GOD IS TELLING US TO QUIT CIRCLING THE MOUNTAIN AND TURN NORTH. 
Can I get a hallelujah!

For months I have felt tired beyond words, a sadness that covered me like a blanket, body hurt, I was under the weight of a dark world. I had never experienced this. But, there you are. You are where I was. I am speaking to you. God's Word is "wooing" you. Come out, come out of that darkness of the hole. The hole you are digging while you keep going around the mountain. HE has said you have done this long enough, Turn North. 
Please email me I want to climb your mountain with you & you with me. I can help you make a list, pray with you, and give you verses that have kept me afloat. 
God promises to never forsake us or abandon us. He has not left you, nor will He ever. 

The mountain I was circling kept me going round and round. I was circling so fast I was digging a hole as I went around. From that hole I could only see that the mountain was getting bigger. I turned North.

God's Word is Truth, I knew better but wasn't acting better. I have my list in hand, God's truth in my heart & have set my compass North. 

I look my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord.  

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