Monday, November 2, 2009

our little saint

too much candy-
halloween at our house is not such a big deal. we do let the kids choose what non-scary costume they want to wear & go to just a few houses trick-or-treating. mac does not want to dress up anymore, beau always changes his mind 100 times before halloweeen, maggie wants the most elaborate & expensive costume & pips won't keep anything on. poor beau finally decided on snake eyes from GI JOE. well, we bought the 8-10 size. he waited to put it on until church on wednesday. he could barely squeeze into it. the velco at the back was busting...his costume was crawling up in his hiny. by halloween he refused to stuff himself in it...so we went with homemade cowboy, just as cute. this year was rainy & not a good night to be outside anyway but we braved a few drops & went our with some good friends to houses our neighborhood.

of course, all saint's day follows halloween. i knew that was coming & knew what our church did for this special day but never expected to be emotional. we all stood as the names of loved ones who have passed on were read aloud. the list is always so long & reminds me of such sadness & loss for so many. matt & i sat back down & i felt as if i could not breathe. our baby girl was so close to being one of those names read. she would have been right before the name read for july 15th...that was her spot. i became very upset, cried my make-up off, totally soaked matt's handkerchief. i could not imagine listening to our pastor read her name. utter the most beautiful name. the one we called to come eat, go outside & play, get in the bubble bath, give us the best hugs & sweetest kisses. i am humbled & so gracious that i get to still see her smiling face,listen to her breath at night, scrub her messy face after lunch, drink in her giggles, windex fingerprints, sing her night night song, pick up toys, endlessly say "no" to all her curiosity gets her into. she is here & doing more & better than any doctor told us to expect.

she is our little saint. when they lost her a few times on july 10th we know she had gone to heaven & spent those moments with her Father. she has gazed into the eyes of Christ, crawled into the lap of Jesus & rested her tired body. when matt & i were in this tiny private waiting room in the hospital desperate for just some word of how she was we stayed in constant prayer. dave, the chaplain for all children's,"our chaplain" as we call him, was with us. he was so calm, but had our pain in his eyes. we love dave. hours pass so slowly when you are doing nothing but pleading. i prayed prayers for 6 hours straight out loud. i can remember everyone & repeat them now. some were so much harder than others. we begged for healing, asking for the pain to be lifted from her tiny body, for her "TEAM" of surgeons & nurses, for our other children, for my mom. they were all detailed & sent to heaven, never knowing the outcome. 2 i think of today are hard ones. the first was early on in the surgery. i prayed that Christ would whisper words of comfort in her ear & she would have a host of beautiful angels singing her songs. i wanted & prayed for her to be in a field of green grass with Jesus & other children. i wanted it to be warm & sunny with a little breeze, the perfect day! i needed to picture her there, with Him. He would tell her stories, love her, give her rest, wrap His familiar arms around her & hold our baby girl when we could not. the second one i prayed around hour 6. matt & i were in each others arms. we could barely see through our tears. each of our faces were hot & stinging, the shock & trauma made me so cold. i was freezing with piles of blankets on me. i know what clothes we had on, each detail as if it were this morning. i uttered this prayer with mixed emotions...
"Lord Jesus...we have begged as parents to have you rescue our little girl. to heal, remove pain, guide her surgeons, be there for her, be with us, help, save, turn your face our way, use your hands & power. there are no more words...you know our suffering all to well. you watched your son die & suffer in pain. i pray your will. if libby claire is to come be with you take her. we want her here on earth with us. we want to watch her grow & experience each day with her, smell her, kiss her lips, witness each moment, but maybe it is her time. is that what you are telling us? guide her, carry her, lift her...give her those precious angel wings she has always had. as hard as it will be & as much pain as missing her will be, I BELIEVE YOU, I BELIEVE YOU, I WILL PRAISE YOU, I WILL PRAISE YOU!"

i cry as i write this. i handed over the most precious thing, what i thought was mine but really never was. she has always been His. that was the worst & best prayer to ever pray. i gave up & totally trusted. there was no where to turn. i turned to Him & He turned my way. once matt & i collected ourselves after i said those words the peace came. it descended on us in an unimaginable way. we had done all we could.

death is something we were not ready for, not prepared. 21 months is to short. during her medially induced coma we prayed that she spent those days & nights with Jesus, playing in that field. in His arms. when they were bringing libs out of the coma she was intibated & could not cry or speak. there were moments when she was not awake but would make a crying face. it was so sad. she was sad! she would make it over & over for minutes at a time. i knew that He was sending her back to us. she was leaving that field, He had picked her up out of His lap & was sending her home. the playdate was over. it was painful to watch. as a mommy i needed her to want to be here with me...but she wanted to be there with Him. can you imagine how wonderful that place is with Him. for her to cry & fight to stay with our God, not her mommy & daddy. it must be awesome. i no longer fear death for anyone. it must be the most perfect place...she sure wanted to stay.

there was a moment when they brought her back in the PICU. we finally got to see her, then things started going downhill & they asked us to leave again. many have experienced the death of a loved one. it is painful & so sad, such a mess here on earth. just remember...they don't want to come back, just like our pips. she wanted to stay in His arms, singing, playing, dancing, listening to His stories, in the field on the perfect day. finally, we were with libs...able to see her precious face. what an angel. our little saint.

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