Thursday, November 26, 2009

happy thanksgiving 2009

some of the spread, yummy! took my pepcid before hand so i'm good to go!



every year we have the crazy theme picture. this year dad brought home a HUGE box of old used glasses. we got to dig through them & all got a pair we had all day.

glasses & wigs make for lots of family fun
we never seem to make it to the adult table

uncle john (post turkey) aunt jane & dad

the tres amigos, never a dull moment with this crew!
mac picked these out of the box!
cousins
mags sported her glasses & even some props

we could not get libby claire to slow down long enough for a picture

mima & papa
this photo explains how i feel after all the flash burn of the long photo session we have to have every year!
dave & sarah

uncle dave & mags went 70's theme for the night

my brothers & i always love a photo op




the best room mom ever took these pictures of maggie's class thanksgiving lunch.
thanks cor!
poor mac had 2 teeth pulled on the day before thanksgiving. i think he is just thankful for motrin. he also is thankful "for his family."

maggie is thankful "that mama didn't cut my hair & dibs hair is finally growing so she doesn't look like a boy anymore."
beau is thankful for "a lot of stuff but i can't name it all, maybe food."

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

30 weeks!

maggie decided she needed a mama tummy too!

Sunday, November 22, 2009

under the sun


the same sun that softens the wax also hardens the clay.


we went to see dr.matthews on thursday. he is a wonderful doctor & always puts us at ease even if the situation is not ideal. as is pips case. he confirmed that she is having bone resorption & has put her on a vitamin D supplement. she has one drop twice a day. pretty easy! this will help her regenerate the bone that she is losing. we go back to see him in 6 weeks, january 5th. we will also see dr.mclanahan on january 13th. dr.matthews will then be able to tell us if she will need a bone graft surgery. we will hurry up & wait, again. we ask for specific prayer for her bone to stop the resorption & for bone regeneration to begin. also, pray for her "2 year oldness." she is giving us a major run for our money :) i can barely keep up!


we had a great few days full of sunshine last week. one of my favs is sitting in a beach chair with a built in pillow in the driveway. i know seems a little crazy but soaking in the sun while the kids play outside is bliss to me. i can hear their voices, laughter, & all the sounds of life spilling out of all 4 of them. with my eyes closed the warmth of the sun rains down & being able to have the bright light filtering through my lids is perfection. my brother in law & i have the same heaven...it will be on a beach late in the afternoon, i in my beach chair, feet in the ocean. the heat of the sand, the glow of the setting sun will wrap around me, & it will be completely silent. no voices just the amazing sounds of the ocean, wind, & my libby claire's seagulls. then off to the banquet set before me...


i heard the quote "the same sun that softens the wax also hardens the clay," during those sunny days. i had to "chew"on it for quite sometime. it seemed so deep, so real, so applicable to my life,our life right now. we are basking in the sun, eyes closed, enjoying every minute. grateful to our Father for healing, mercy, grace & enduring love. our wax has been softened. but that same sun is hardening our clay. we feel baked, left out to dry to long, the red clay desert comes to mind...thirsty, dry, cracked. desolate...how can that be?


my course over the next 6 weeks is simple. i am going to be the wax & i am going to be the clay. that is my answer, who i am, right now, where God wants me to be. no coincidence that Christmas is near, a new gift of life will be coming soon after. i am meant to live & experience & feel it all. each moment i feel the warmth of the sun, i am going to drink it in, even if i get to that parched point. i am planning for more softening wax days but i know that the desert of the clay will come.


i will be sitting in my beach chair, eyes closed looking to the Son. i will be under the Son with my wax softened & clay hardened.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

get up!


happy 2nd birthday libby claire! we celebrated the big day on saturday. we wanted to thank everyone for the outpouring of love and support and also had major reason to eat good food & amazing cake. we had planned that this would be a closure party of sorts. that we had finally reached the finish line. the only thing left was a few doctor visits, therapy, & looking toward the 1 year mark post injury. all that changed on thursday. we called dr.mclanahan's office earlier in the week because we noticed over the last 3 or 4 weeks her bone was feeling a little like swiss cheese & on the fractured part was really squishy. her squishy noodle was coming back. sadly the PA & doctor told us she was having bone resorption. we knew that it could happen. it was one of those complications on the mile long list. dr.mclanahan is referring us to dr.matthews again. he assisted in her 2nd surgery. we will see him this thursday at 2:30. i love him but never wanted to see him this soon. he is the pediatric sub-boney cranio-facial plastic surgeon (i think i got it right) basically very specialized. all we can gather is that he will start her on a major supplementation of vit D & calcium. to help regenerate the bone that is being lost. the dreaded word surgery...bone grafting???? will they take from her hip???pain??? i don't want anyone looking at the inside of her little head again. the whole process feels as though it is starting over.
saturday was meant to be a joyful, carefree, celebration. not one of anxiety, & the out of control feelings we were so used to. it had been so normal for a few weeks, we had moved on. it was wonderful & we certainly were very excited to celebrate libs turning 2 & honor all who had prayed for us. matt & i had a few rough days after thursday. the stress seeped back in, the lump in our throats was in place, worry began to weigh us down, the familiar teary eyed look, the face of dread was back. on top of it all matt gets sick that saturday night...the swine flu. he started tamiflu on sunday & we have not seen him since. he has been quarantined on the 3rd floor for days.
i took libby claire for her 2 year well check up this morning. she is doing great in spite of the last 4 months she has been through. on the way home she was crying in the carseat, tired of getting shots & being in & out of so many doctors offices, i am sure. i am famous for saying " suck it up!" that is what you have to do sometimes. i have sucked it up through sickness, pain, fear, pregnancy, motherhood, disappointment, marriage, burning the toast again, friendships, being thrown up on (more than a few times), school, cleaning, midnight bad dreams, red mud on new carpet, the list will go on and on.
i have felt defeated, beaten down, lost, let go in the valley again since thursday. it was not me saying "suck it up" it was God. i knew that very well. i thought of the healing at the pool, where there was this old man sitting for 30 years by the water to be healed. just as the waters are stirred he can't get up fast enough to get in before someone else jumps in ahead of him. wow, do i feel that way right now or what? i can relate so well to him. then Jesus walks by & asks him, almost annoyed "what are you doing? do you want to get well?" i would have said "duh" to Jesus if i were that guy. then all Jesus does is say "get up! pick up your mat & walk." (john 5:8) the man is healed & walks away after 30 years of waiting. the same as "suck it up," he says "get up!"
there it is, never far away...i have felt such pity for a few days & God just said "suck it up" to me. my own words needed to be said back to me.
i ask that you petition our Lord on behalf of our precious libby claire again. pray for her bone resorption to stop & regeneration to begin. pray for dr. matthews, pray for her mama & daddy as we again face the giants of this injury. we find ourselves again crying out, in the low valley, cast into the wilderness, far from home, sitting & waiting by the pool.
"SUCK IT UP" or as my Jesus has said " GET UP! PICK UP YOUR MAT & WALK!"
i plan to do just that.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

happy birthday libby claire!

got cake?

the cousins

gavin came to party with me


the cake was wonderful, thank you charlotte!

gracie & libs danced all night, it was to cute!


daddy singing to the birthday girl


my new ride!


lib, jibs, dibs, pippy, pips, sweet pea, miracle, libba, baby claire, nibs, pip pip, lc, snuggle girl, sissy, lil, dibby, pip chips, libby claire...happy 2nd birthday! we love you!

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Monday, November 2, 2009

can i be 6 again?


after taking these pictures of maggie i want to be 6 again!
pure joy!

our little saint

too much candy-
halloween at our house is not such a big deal. we do let the kids choose what non-scary costume they want to wear & go to just a few houses trick-or-treating. mac does not want to dress up anymore, beau always changes his mind 100 times before halloweeen, maggie wants the most elaborate & expensive costume & pips won't keep anything on. poor beau finally decided on snake eyes from GI JOE. well, we bought the 8-10 size. he waited to put it on until church on wednesday. he could barely squeeze into it. the velco at the back was busting...his costume was crawling up in his hiny. by halloween he refused to stuff himself in it...so we went with homemade cowboy, just as cute. this year was rainy & not a good night to be outside anyway but we braved a few drops & went our with some good friends to houses our neighborhood.

of course, all saint's day follows halloween. i knew that was coming & knew what our church did for this special day but never expected to be emotional. we all stood as the names of loved ones who have passed on were read aloud. the list is always so long & reminds me of such sadness & loss for so many. matt & i sat back down & i felt as if i could not breathe. our baby girl was so close to being one of those names read. she would have been right before the name read for july 15th...that was her spot. i became very upset, cried my make-up off, totally soaked matt's handkerchief. i could not imagine listening to our pastor read her name. utter the most beautiful name. the one we called to come eat, go outside & play, get in the bubble bath, give us the best hugs & sweetest kisses. i am humbled & so gracious that i get to still see her smiling face,listen to her breath at night, scrub her messy face after lunch, drink in her giggles, windex fingerprints, sing her night night song, pick up toys, endlessly say "no" to all her curiosity gets her into. she is here & doing more & better than any doctor told us to expect.

she is our little saint. when they lost her a few times on july 10th we know she had gone to heaven & spent those moments with her Father. she has gazed into the eyes of Christ, crawled into the lap of Jesus & rested her tired body. when matt & i were in this tiny private waiting room in the hospital desperate for just some word of how she was we stayed in constant prayer. dave, the chaplain for all children's,"our chaplain" as we call him, was with us. he was so calm, but had our pain in his eyes. we love dave. hours pass so slowly when you are doing nothing but pleading. i prayed prayers for 6 hours straight out loud. i can remember everyone & repeat them now. some were so much harder than others. we begged for healing, asking for the pain to be lifted from her tiny body, for her "TEAM" of surgeons & nurses, for our other children, for my mom. they were all detailed & sent to heaven, never knowing the outcome. 2 i think of today are hard ones. the first was early on in the surgery. i prayed that Christ would whisper words of comfort in her ear & she would have a host of beautiful angels singing her songs. i wanted & prayed for her to be in a field of green grass with Jesus & other children. i wanted it to be warm & sunny with a little breeze, the perfect day! i needed to picture her there, with Him. He would tell her stories, love her, give her rest, wrap His familiar arms around her & hold our baby girl when we could not. the second one i prayed around hour 6. matt & i were in each others arms. we could barely see through our tears. each of our faces were hot & stinging, the shock & trauma made me so cold. i was freezing with piles of blankets on me. i know what clothes we had on, each detail as if it were this morning. i uttered this prayer with mixed emotions...
"Lord Jesus...we have begged as parents to have you rescue our little girl. to heal, remove pain, guide her surgeons, be there for her, be with us, help, save, turn your face our way, use your hands & power. there are no more words...you know our suffering all to well. you watched your son die & suffer in pain. i pray your will. if libby claire is to come be with you take her. we want her here on earth with us. we want to watch her grow & experience each day with her, smell her, kiss her lips, witness each moment, but maybe it is her time. is that what you are telling us? guide her, carry her, lift her...give her those precious angel wings she has always had. as hard as it will be & as much pain as missing her will be, I BELIEVE YOU, I BELIEVE YOU, I WILL PRAISE YOU, I WILL PRAISE YOU!"

i cry as i write this. i handed over the most precious thing, what i thought was mine but really never was. she has always been His. that was the worst & best prayer to ever pray. i gave up & totally trusted. there was no where to turn. i turned to Him & He turned my way. once matt & i collected ourselves after i said those words the peace came. it descended on us in an unimaginable way. we had done all we could.

death is something we were not ready for, not prepared. 21 months is to short. during her medially induced coma we prayed that she spent those days & nights with Jesus, playing in that field. in His arms. when they were bringing libs out of the coma she was intibated & could not cry or speak. there were moments when she was not awake but would make a crying face. it was so sad. she was sad! she would make it over & over for minutes at a time. i knew that He was sending her back to us. she was leaving that field, He had picked her up out of His lap & was sending her home. the playdate was over. it was painful to watch. as a mommy i needed her to want to be here with me...but she wanted to be there with Him. can you imagine how wonderful that place is with Him. for her to cry & fight to stay with our God, not her mommy & daddy. it must be awesome. i no longer fear death for anyone. it must be the most perfect place...she sure wanted to stay.

there was a moment when they brought her back in the PICU. we finally got to see her, then things started going downhill & they asked us to leave again. many have experienced the death of a loved one. it is painful & so sad, such a mess here on earth. just remember...they don't want to come back, just like our pips. she wanted to stay in His arms, singing, playing, dancing, listening to His stories, in the field on the perfect day. finally, we were with libs...able to see her precious face. what an angel. our little saint.

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