Tuesday, October 27, 2009

beginning to fall

we are all pumped with regular flu shots & i had to get the H1N1 b/c of being pregnant & in my 3rd trimester. mac had a toenail infection & athlete's foot, maggie had a terrible cough, which she loving shared with all of us. so after 7 doctor visits, $271.84 at CVS, checks written for flu shots, i know that there is no doubt it is fall. despite what it seems to do to the health of our kiddos this is my favorite season. the splendor of the leaves, crisp fall air, pumpkins on every doorstep, stars seem brighter in the fall, starbucks has pumpkin lattes, i dig out scarves & jeans. it is something i am so glad i get to have every year...could not imagine living somewhere fall does not descend.

i was riding in my car the other morning alone. which is really rare these days. as i came around a curve in the road there was a big gust of wind and it blew these awesome goldie, yellow fall leaves off of a huge tree that sat perfectly in the corner of the curve of the road. it was a sight i wish i could see over and over. hundreds of these beautiful leaves twisting and turning, floating to the ground. at that very moment i wished i was a leaf. then i realized we are all leaves. one day green and full soaking in the summer sun and warmth. only to begin to change into amber, red, gold, fierce yellow, burnt orange...a ray of vivid color. soon to be blown from our tree, our home & resting place & fall to the ground. then slowly turn brown & dry up. we lose our beauty, security, comfort & feel so unworthy as we once were.i have been a leaf this summer & fall. seen myself so secure, a true shade of green...soaking it all in. all of the sudden to change colors & be blown from my branch, tossed about in the wind. not knowing where i would land. i have turned brown & dried up. i lost my secure perch in my tree. i was twisted & fell endlessly until i finally landed...on solid ground. it was a journey...a season. we are all leaves in some way or another. some of us are in the middle of summer enjoying every gentle breeze, some in fall...a slow change from our green into an amazing new color. few might be blown about and preparing to brown. i think we all feel this way at times.

libby claire has been weaned from her last sedative/anti-seizure medication. she completed it last week. we can already see her true self coming out. she is talking MUCH more & MUCH louder. her balance is back, she is working on staying in her big girl bed, she is still eating us out of house and home. her personality is coming back. the crying spells are shorter & not as often. she still has therapy on wednesdays. we are working on attention span & no means no. but what 2 year old likes to hear that word. she does like to say it though. never knowing that in october this is where we would be i have no way to explain our gratitude. things are getting better and better. now it is just the shifting through and storing it all in my mind & heart. i dream every night about july 10th, in detail. every moment, every word matt & i spoke, the shallow breaths libs took, her eyes, the helicopter, her blue body intibated...each second replays in my dreams. at some point i always wake up. in the middle of the ambulance ride, sitting in the trauma room, meeting with the surgeons, on my knees in a waiting room. i wake up & wish it would be stored away, a distant memory. i know when traumatic events happen that it takes time to get over & work through. i am just now getting to that point. for so long we functioned on adrenaline & the peace of Christ. upheld by prayer...it is now that i finally am able to start my sorting & organizing it all.

now that i have gone through "that season" i am ready to tackle H1N1 or anything that this fall/winter has to throw our way. that normal day to day stuff pales in comparison to what we have done over the last 3 1/2 months. when i stand outside & feel the wind, watching the leaves fall & gaze at the glory of the autumn color i know that this will pass. and so bring it on...

2 timothy 4:17-18
but the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. and i was delivered from the lion's mouth. the Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and will bring me safely to his heavenly kingdom. to him be glory for ever and ever. amen.

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